You are All I Need

Hey Beloveds.

I got some stuff that I wanna share from my heart.

Before I came to New Creation, I was never sure of my salvation. I really did not know if I would go to heaven or hell. You see, I thought that whenever I sin, I would be cut off from God's presence. It is only if I confess my sins and truly repent that I would be forgiven. But the thing is, after I confess my sins, I always commit those same sins again! I would feel condemned! Because I want to obey God, to keep His laws, but I was falling short. So I just try not to think about it... after all, I'm still young, I got a lot of years before I grow old. However, this made me fear death. (Like maybe while walking in the HDB estates I would get hit by killer litter... I don't like to walk under the windows, walk under the building, more safe) Sometimes, I would imagine what it is like to be dead, to not exist, to disappear and be in nothingness for eternity... And boy, It scared the hell out of me.

You know, I had a bad habit that stuck with me for really really REALLY long time. Haha. habit sounds like such a nice word... It was an addiction. I hated myself for always committing this same sin. I would try to control my desires... even though I know I would be sinning, I couldn't control myself. The desire to sin is very strong. So I would go into sin, knowing that it is wrong. And after that I would feel extremely condemned. Next step is to confess sins lah... THEN also dunno whether God will forgive anot. Why? Because its the SAME sin I ask for forgiveness for the thousandth time. Which means that I did not truly repent for my sins for all the previous attempts of confession. Which I can conclude that God did not forgive me for all the sins I committed last time! (Ok, just to be sure, I was not a catholic, in case you are wondering. But I was very sin conscious from all the teaching in my previous church). I would imagine the day when i would be freed from my addiction and think that i is almost impossible for that day to come. I never had the guts to tell anyone of what i was doing either so that they can pray for me or whatever.

Praise God! Hallelujah! Glory to my heavenly Abba. Jesus died on the cross for my sins, once and for all! I have ETERNAL salvation. Jesus conquered death, so that I will not die! The most important thing in life, salvation from death, and i have it! It's like the ultimate reward. To live forever, and see Daddy God, the God that created me, the universe. This totally removes the fear of death! And praise God, not only this, as if its not good enough! He even cause us to reign in life, He wants us to be healthy, prosperous and enjoy life! Hallelujah! You know, when i have my worries, sometimes I just look at the clouds in the sky, at the setting sun and at the trees in the distance, how God's creation is so glorious, that He is my God and He takes care of me... the worries just fade away. Cos He is all I need. Good exam results to get into good uni to get good honors to get good job to get high pay to buy nice things don't seem so important anymore. It just put things in perspective.

The addiction that I told u about? Haha. When the evil desire disappeared sometime ago, it is like, ok, cool, God's Grace works. It is so sutle that I can just overlook it. But now that I actually think back and write about it, I realise that, wow, it is really a miracle, and I'm so grateful to knowing the truth of Jesus, that it has set me free. It is not about self, but everything is about You, Lord. Even while i was in the act of committing the disgusting sin, I confessed that I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD THROUGH CHRIST. I tell you, we are blessed to know the abundance of God's grace, Amen? It just set me free, to know that whatever I do, how bad, God is FOREVER with me, pleased with me. Does that cause me to want to go out and sin more? Haha... (Rhetorical question)

One last thing. Yeah, I have doubts. Sometimes, it just creeps into me that maybe the bible is not real? All my beliefs are hinged on this, that the bible is accurate. Ok, its a little embarrassing, but i have doubts when i hear people say things like "I don't believe Jesus was nailed to the cross on His hands and feet, cause it is proven scientifically that the bones there can't support the weight, more likely he was nailed to the wrists"... which implies that the Bible is not accurate, it is flawed. Or, the devil just play mind games with me "You sure there is a God? God said that He will bless you, but your non-christian friend gets better marks than you?"

Whenever I have doubts, feeding on the Word, listening to Pastor Prince preaching on Sunday, getting the revelation knowledge causes the doubts to just disappear. I can't really explain, its just like that. The fact that all the Bible prophesies are fullfilled and that it is so consistent throughout Old and New, escapes me sometimes... haha. How foolish I am. Its like, oh it must be proven by science then I believe. That the Romans had been crucifying criminals the same way for so long escapes me, that it doesn't say that the criminals could have been pierced in the hands with ropes tied to the wrists... Daddy God, give me more faith. I would equate success with exam results... haha... People can be so rich on the outside but empty on the inside. Daddy God, You are my success.

Writing all these down blessed me... I hope it blessed u too. I recently went out with my JC classmates... It just feels so different when I am with u guys, my caregroup, and when I go out with other friends. I think Its because we all have one thing in common, Daddy God. I really can't explain this.... I feel at ease and peaceful in the company of u all, even though i may have worries at that time or am preoccupied with self... When we come together and share about not only Jesus but our what we did during the week, when we are real to each other, feels like we are family. Thank God for JC South, everyone in it. The first caregroup that I feel at home with.

Yup. This is from my heart.